When Meeting Your Child’s Every Need Is Not Actually Meeting Their Every Need
- Linde Lambrechts
- May 22
- 5 min read
This morning, I received a Voxer from my mentor saying:
“Well, we often think that we’re meeting our child’s needs, but it’s actually not meeting their needs.”
That kind of landed so much.
Because it resonated so much for me.
And as well with so many of my mentees.
Often, we try everything to meet our child’s needs.
And in doing that, there are two really big ways that we are not meeting our child’s needs.
1. Saying yes, when it’s actually a no.
When we are saying yes, while it’s actually no:
We are not meeting their need for authentic connection.
We are not meeting their need for leading by example.
We are not meeting their need for safety.
We are not meeting their need for a resourced parent.
By saying yes while it’s actually no, we are not meeting our own needs.
And a child actually needs us to meet our own needs so that we can show up as loving and present as they need us to be — in very challenging situations.
Children need parents who take good care of themselves:
So that they have spaciousness
So that they have patience
So that they have energy
And to lead by example: so that they get the message that they can do the same, that their needs matter.
The best way to show a kid that their needs matter, is to show them your needs matter.
Because they learn by seeing, not only by what we say.
This is so important.
Because so often, we are trying to meet our child’s needs, our child’s needs, our child’s needs…
Just as in classical attachment parenting where it’s all about the child’s needs —
and we become resentful.
We get triggered so freaking much.
Because our needs are not met.
And when our needs are not met, our body goes into a survival state.
Because our body thinks it’s dangerous in the world around us — because why else would our needs not be met?
So it is up to us to signal to our bodies that we are safe.
And the best way — or the fastest way — to do this is to meet our own needs in very simple ways:
Drink when you’re thirsty.
Eat when you’re hungry.
Rest when you’re tired.
Go to the bathroom when you need to.
Do not — and I repeat — do not say:
“Yes, after this, in a minute.”
We all know what will happen then.
Just after this quick little laundry.
Just after this little email.
Just need to do this first…
When we do not put ourselves first, our needs first, we are signaling to our body that other things are more important than ourselves.
We are signaling to our children that other things are more important than they are.
Is that the message that we want to be giving them?
2. When we see every signal as a need
A second way in which meeting your child’s needs is not actually meeting their needs:
Is when we see everything they are signaling to us as an immediate need.
Sometimes children are behaving in ways because of a need to release painful feelings, because of pent-up feelings.
There are so many ways that this can happen — and we’ll go into that another time —
But when we are not seeing what a child is actually needing (which is to release, to share feelings)
and we try to fix, try to meet an actual need:
When we are giving them food
When we are giving them play
When we are trying to distract them
When we are giving them lots and lots of stimulation
…when there’s actually another need, when there’s actually a need to release,
we are not meeting the need.
That’s where that little piece in Aware Parenting comes in:
Responding as fast as possible and as attuned as possible.
Responsively and sensitively.
To actually see: What’s the real need?
That is so important.
So that our children will learn:
“Oh, this feeling is thirst.”
“This feeling is hunger.”
“This feeling is pain.”
“This feeling is sadness.”
When I’m feeling this, this is what I need.
When I’m feeling hungry, I need food.
When I’m feeling tired, I need rest.
When I’m feeling painful feelings, what I need is a big cry.
When I’m feeling anger, I need to rage.
The more they know: What I’m feeling = a need = how to get that need met.
That’s what we are modeling to them.
I remember with my own kids, when they were younger,
I thought everything was an immediate need.
So I gave them everything all of the time, as much as I could.
Toys into close proximity.
They did not need to work for it.
They did not need to move.
Which was actually not meeting their need.
I did everything for them.
“Oh, something rolled under the couch? I will get it for you.”
“You want drinks? I will get it for you.”
That was not meeting their need for autonomy and for agency.
I was doing everything for them.
And they did not get a chance to develop that skill.
To develop language to express painful feelings.
To develop problem-solving skills — because I was doing all of that for them.
I thought I was meeting the need.
But I actually was not.
And these are some of the ways that we are taught to think that we are meeting a need.
That it’s loving and kind — being there, rocking them, giving them everything they want —
but it’s not actually as helpful as we sometimes think.
We are not actually meeting their needs when we are not curious what the real need behind the behavior is.
It’s so important to really check in:
With ourselves
With our children
What’s really beneath this behavior?
What’s behind the behavior?
What is happening for us?
What is happening for them?
What are we needing?
What are they needing?
That’s what I love about Aware Parenting.
That it’s not only about the parent’s needs.
It’s not only about the kid’s needs.
But that there is always a way to meet our needs and their needs.
Aware Parenting is that win-win.
You don’t need to choose.
You can take care of yourself and your child.
And I love how Aware Parenting has taught me:
What my yeses are
What my noes are
That they are welcome
And to also see when my child is giving me their yes or their no —
to really honor that from a young age so that they don’t need to reclaim their yeses and their noes and their power when they are adults.
When they are parenting, in the midst of parenting also reparenting themselves, as we are doing now!
So that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing.
And if you feel a yes, I invite you to contact me —
to reach out and see how we can work together.
All you need to know: https://www.lindelambrechts.be/en/mtm
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