Should children learn how to cope with stress?

No! It’s up to us to protect our children from stress.

People often say that children are resilient, that they’ll bounce back. And to some extent, that’s true—children can heal and recover from a lot. We have innate mechanisms to release tension. But children are also incredibly vulnerable. These experiences can leave scars and cause pain. So, it’s truly up to us to protect our children from stress as much as possible. Recovery is always possible, but isn’t prevention better than cure?

I’d like to share a piece of my story with you.

My Story

As a child, I always felt stressed about going to school.

Every morning, I had this feeling that I had forgotten something. Always hyper-vigilant.

My body was always on high alert.

From a young age, I suffered from stomach aches, cramps, acid reflux.

I’m grateful that my mother chose natural remedies like oatmeal and herbs instead of heavy medication.

But there was no awareness.

No awareness that my body was trying to communicate something.

That these were signs of tension. Of stress.

I was always anxious.

But people just said: “That’s just how she is.”

“She’s a perfectionist.”

“She sets the bar too high.”

But I didn’t set that bar.

I didn’t even know where it was.

I just felt the pressure.

I sensed so much.

Especially what was expected of me.

I was a highly sensitive child.

I knew I was different. And I felt it.

I wanted so badly to fit in.

So, I tried so hard.

I became a chameleon.

I adapted, over and over.

Until I no longer recognized myself.

I wore a mask.

And my inner self… I no longer showed it.

But my body expressed what I couldn’t say,

What I couldn’t feel.

Even in primary school, I often had physical complaints: stomach aches, acid reflux.

In secondary school, I was frequently ill.

Headaches, back pain. My body was screaming louder and louder.

And I was always afraid.

Always scared that things wouldn’t go well.

That I couldn’t do it.

And at school, I always received the same message: “You need to work more regularly.”

“You need to put in more effort.”

“If you’re not working now, it won’t end well.”

Never: “Why are you blocking?”

“What are you feeling?”

“What do you need?”

It wasn’t until the fifth year of secondary school that my then-homeroom teacher noticed something.

We were referred to a child psychologist.

And yes, it became clear that I was tense.

That I was stressed. That I was insecure.

But what I learned there didn’t help me.

What I remember from that time is that I was ‘average.’

There was no real threat.

It was very cognitive.

I was taught relaxation techniques.

But no one looked at my body.

No one asked what I needed.

No one helped me understand that feeling in my body.

Nothing changed in my environment.

School remained school.

And now, in 2025, I still hear it:

“They need to learn to cope with stress.”

“They need to be prepared for society.”

“If they’re already breaking down now, what will they do later?”

And I wonder:

Is that what school is?

Preparing children for a toxic society

by exposing them early enough to a toxic environment?

Is that what we want?

Are we really saying: “This is what the world looks like, so get used to it?”

No.

If we know that we’re sending our children into the desert,

we don’t put them on a diet beforehand,

as Aletha Solter says.

That weakens their system.

It might reassure you as a parent or teacher that they can handle it.

But their body gains nothing from that.

That’s not the best preparation.

The best preparation is:

Giving them what they need now.

Letting them feel what safety is now.

Teaching them: this is thirst, this is hunger, this is tension, this is sadness.

Letting them recharge in a safe nest.

So that later, they know what that feels like.

So that they can recognize from within what they need.

Not: “And make sure it works.”

But: “If it’s hard, I’m here.”

“If you fall, I’ll catch you.”

“You don’t have to do it alone.”

Because what we do want…

is for our children to do things that are exciting.

To learn that they can handle something.

But from a place of calm.

From choice.

Not from survival.

We don’t want children to grow up in survival mode.

Because then they can’t learn.

Their system shuts down.

Attention, memory, concentration are the first to go.

And then we say: “They’re not motivated.”

And then we use fear as a motivator.

But that’s not motivation.

That’s survival.

That’s: “I have to, or else…”

And I want to break that cycle.

Because our bodies know how to release tension.

We know it.

We’ve forgotten, but we know it.

Children can recover through crying, tantrums, laughter, talking, trembling, playing.

But for that, they need a safe context.

And at school…

you have to be quiet.

You have to participate.

You have to push through.

You have to be mature.

You have to perform.

There’s no room to release.

No room to settle.

No room to just be.

And I understand.

Because we didn’t experience it ourselves.

We never learned it ourselves.

But I know that many parents, and teachers too, want it differently.

That they mean well.

But lack the tools.

That’s why I’m sharing this.

Because together, we can break this cycle of pain.

What can you do as a parent?

To protect your child from stress:

• Provide predictability, calm, and connection in daily life.

• Shield them from over-scheduled agendas and excessive stimuli.

• Be a safe haven where emotions are welcome.

To prepare your child for stressful situations:

• Nourish their system with safety, trust, and connection.

• Teach them to understand their body: what do you feel, where do you feel it, what does it mean?

• Tell them: “You’re not crazy, you’re just feeling. And that’s wise.”

To help your child recover from stress:

• Allow emotions after school or stressful moments.

• Be available for crying, tantrums, talking, laughter.

• Provide space without pushing it away or shushing.

• Give your child time—recovery doesn’t need to be rushed.

Never use fear as a motivator.

If a child isn’t learning, isn’t doing, isn’t ‘keeping up’… be curious.

Ask yourself:

What is holding them back?

What need lies beneath?

Because stress doesn’t disappear by pushing harder.

Stress dissipates when we listen.

When we are present.

When we do things differently than what we experienced.

And it’s possible. You can do it.